What is the shape of this night? It is the longest night of the year.
Scrivener December 21st, 2007
Tonight I took the kids to the winter solstice service at our Unitarian Universalist congregation and I cannot tell you how powerful the evening was for me. I had explained to the kids earlier today that this would be the longest night of the year, so that starting tomorrow the days would get longer and longer until the summer time and asked if they would like to go to church for the ceremony. They said yes, but Youngest stipulated that if it was the longest night of the year, she would have to be able to bring a flashlight along, so I agreed to that and got them each a flashlight. When we got to the church parking lot, they made a production out of lighting my way to the church and then ran around in the lightly wooded space in front of the church with their lights before it was time to start. First there was a cleansing smudge outside–the kids complained that the smoke smelled terrible, but they stood there with me and then turned with me in a circle, preparing ourselves to be open and to listen. Then we went inside and chatted with a few people before entering the chapel. Youngest was wearing her red cape, which got lots of comments.
Then we went into the chapel and the sat in a circle. The kids were intensely interested and also just a little bit worried about it all–they stayed very close to me for the whole ritual. We cast the circle and then called each direction, and Youngest kept her arms wrapped around my thigh the whole time. When a pair of the members of the church began the responsive reading, it was so just powerful:
Q: What is the element that rules this night? A. Tonight the darkness reaches the limit of its power over light.
Q: After this night of power, what is the element that will wane? A. From this night forward, the darkness will wane and the light will grow.
When they read the lines “What shall we do now? We shall let go of those things which do not affirm life and love and send them with the old sun to the womb of the Earth to be born again as positive energies for us in the New Year,” I felt tears welling up.
After a bit of singing, and another chant, we were given a piece of bark and told to hold it, or rub it, and to put within it whatever we have finished with in this cycle or whatever we wish to be transformed and then we got to place it in the fire pit so that those things could be burned and transformed. Then we were given a bay leaf, which we could break up and smell to welcome the warmth and spice of the new year. Eldest was really confused about what to do with the bark, and when I tried to tell her to think of something that she is ready to give up, she decided her answer was “baby toys” and tossed the bark in the fire. Then she kept trying to get me to hurry up and throw my bark in the fire, but I told her I wanted to just sit with it a moment. I sat there rubbing this damp, mossy chunk of bark and thought about a long list of things that have come to an end since the summer solstice, and of a long list of things that I am ready to let go of, and then I tossed my bark into the fire.
When the ceremony was over, at least half a dozen people came over to me and hugged me and asked about how I’m doing–I’ve only told a couple of people at the church about the ending of my marriage, but then I guess a number of people have just figured out some version of what is going on because our entire family just went missing for a couple of months and now I have shown back up on a semi-regular basis with the kids but without Ex. The music director, was one of those who I had told a little while ago, when she talked to me after a service about how rough I looked. She was just so incredibly nice tonight and said she had thought of me before the ritual and was hoping I would come to take part in welcoming the coming of the light. Everyone there was just so kind. It was overwhelming. And another perfect indication of how different this church is from the kinds of churches I attended when I was a child.
Then people started playing the drums, and the kids grabbed rattles, tamborines, or whatever from a basket and played along. Eldest stayed near the music director and tried to play along to the beat while Youngest came into the circle with me to dance. I tossed her up into the air, with her cape flapping around her, and she was in heaven. Then we had a few cookies and some baklava and came home. A friend had sent a small box of presents, which she had told me were solstice presents but that we could open on Christmas morning if I preferred, so I asked the kids what they wanted to do and Eldest very soundly reasoned that if she thought of them as solstice presents, then we should open them on the solstice. So I lit the fireplace and got out a bunch of candles while the kids turned out all the lights but the ones on the Christmas tree. We lit the candles and I asked the kids what they are thankful for. Youngest said she was thankful for her family and then said “I am thankful for myself. I’m thankful for who I am,” which I am in awe of, that she could so happily articulate such self-acceptance is itself something that I am profoundly thankful for. Eldest said she was thankful for her family and her friends and for everything in the whole world because she loves everything. Then we opened the presents and oohed and ahed over them for a moment. Then the three of us sat cuddling together and just watched the fire for a bit before going upstairs, where I read the book Youngest had just unwrapped to her and then read the book Eldest had picked out for the night.
Q: On what does our faith rest in this cold winter season when the earth’s bounty seems frozen?
A. We survive, we endure, and we prosper because we depend on each other. We are to share in the careful stores from all our harvests, which gives us physical, emotional, and spiritual sustenance. We keep the fires burning and affirm our support and love for one another.
The darkest part of the year is ending, the light is returning.